Just a warning this is a serious post. My maternity leave will be officially ending on Jan. 6th and I am so nervous about going back to work. I know I have mentioned before about how my point of view has changed since having the Pea but I just can't believe how drastic the change has been. Before I always thought of myself as a sort of a feminist, I have always worked very hard at being independent and doing it all on my own. I have always been a worker and really had never envisioned myself doing much else until now. Since going on my maternity leave in September I have enjoyed playing the role of stay at home momma so much more than I ever thought I would. There is something so nice, cozy and comforting about being at home with your baby, taking care of your house and having a nice dinner ready (on some days) when daddy gets home. I never thought in a million years that type of life would ever agree with me but as I have found out in the past year, life is SO full of surprises. Staying at home work is so much more enjoyable, maybe I am just not working the right kind of job but to be able to watch the Pea grow and change everyday is such a blessing and a miracle- she really is everything. I know so many of my friends have gone through this and they all know about the grief, the guilt and the flat out panic you feel when it is time to go back to work. I am certainly surprised at my change of heart, not that I am throwing away my "this is what a feminist looks like" t-shirt just yet but things are different. I feel more vulnerable than I ever have before but it almost makes me feel stronger. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay at home with the Pea for as long as I did because I am pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to leave her at six weeks. God knows what we can handle and what we can't and I thank him every day for that. So next Wednesday the Pea and I will be entering into a new adventure, one in which I am sure the Pea will fair much better than her momma. It is times like these when I really begin to understand that motherhood is not for the faint of heart and I have even more respect for mothers every where.
Here is a little something I wrote last year in Jan., I had just lost a baby in early December and didn't know that the Pea was already on board! God is so good to me, I was devastated when I lost the baby- I felt like I was too scared to try for another but he comforted me. Thankfully God had better plans for me than I ever could have imagined, he carried me through my despair and on the other side was such joy!
Written Jan. 2009
Today I am feeling very reflective, well not particularly reflective in a shiny sense but inwardly reflective. The past year has been one of flat out living. At times barely hanging on, clinging to my faith, and other times flying so high- so surprised and thankful. Many things have transpired this year that I do not understand. Things that I won't understand until I can give Jesus a big hug, sit down and ask him myself. Maybe at that point in time such things will no longer be an issue..... As for the upcoming year, I have great hope. Things are changing fast-for better and for worse but I choose to remain hopeful. This year I want to take more time to understand the daily struggles and victories of those around me. I pray to be a bright spot for people in my life, to lift them up, to help them feel loved and as hopeful as I do. I pray that this will finally be the year I get to meet my child, whoever that may be and however way God has planned. I pray that everyone sees how truly blessed we all are and find ways we can help others. I pray that this is the year all of "Amber" goes away and I become a vessel and an instrument for God. I pray that everyone becomes less cautious of following their hearts, less cautious in expressing love and less cautious in following God. I am hopeful for the upcoming year- I hope and pray that the year is filled with love, joy and peace.
Although I haven't managed to live up to all of my expectations, I am so thankful and hope to continue to draw closer to God in order to be the person he wants me to be. Last night Daniel and I were talking about how exciting this upcoming year is going to be, so many firsts to share with the Pea! Happy New Year, and as always I hope and pray that this year will be filled with love, joy and peace.
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