I am sitting here in my comfortable warm living room feeding my healthy baby. We are safe we have plenty to eat, we are blessed beyond measure. I am trying to wrap my mind around the devastation the people in Haiti are experiencing. I am thinking about mothers just like me who love their babies more than life who are facing things unimaginable, I am thinking about the mothers who have lost their children, children who have lost their parents and my heart is breaking. My sadness and grief for the people of Haiti can finally flow freely out of me- it was very hard to hold it in at work today. I also feel so guilty, why I am I so blessed when I don't deserve it? Haiti has a special place in our hearts, Daniel has been there several times. The last time he did some mission work at an orphanage. Of course the children melted his heart and he wanted to bring them all home especially one little girl Ginnette. Now I am tormented thinking that while I sit here in luxury, those children could be hurt or worse. They have already been through so much in their young lives, it is so hard for me to understand. I am thinking about and praying for Pastor Nay Nay and his beautiful family- I hope that their tiny block home was spared and that they are all safe. I am looking at Clementine and I don't know why God chose us to live here in our comfortable safe lives while others have to live in such peril. I am so thankful and undeserving. Orphans have always had a special place in my heart but after having Clementine I cannot imagine her having to live her life without her daddy and me. Please pray for those precious children, many of whom came to the orphanage after loosing their families to hurricanes a few years back. They are facing mountains unimaginable. Pray that Gods hand is there to comfort them- pray as if it was your own child.

Laaazzzyyyy Sunday Morn

We three Byrds are being very lazy this Sunday morning. The Pea is napping on a pillow beside me while dad and I are cozy under the covers- we are all loving the snow! Church was called off this morning due to the weather so we are just enjoying a semi-quiet morning.

Ok so right after I typed that the Pea woke up and was not happy she had been tricked into a nap! It is Monday morning now and the Pea and I are enjoying a cozy morning in the bedroom- it is much too cold to stay in the living room right now. The Pea is passed out beside me (hopefully) enjoying her early morning nap. I am enjoying looking at her precious face!

We made it through our first official week of going back to work. As I suspected, the Pea fared much better than I- I was exhausted and missed her like crazy. The Pea was just tired from all of the playing she had been doing at Darlene's and Grammies. I felt so lost while at work without the Pea- I didn't know what to do with myself!

On Saturday, Daniel and I did a little shopping for the Pea. She has grown so fast in the last few weeks that all of her pj's were too small as well as several pairs of her play pants. I am happy to report the Pea's wardrobe has been restocked with several snazzy pairs of pj's and a whole bunch of adorable outfits- all of which are size 6 to 9 months! The Pea is only 3 months old! As soon as we have another fashion show I will post pictures of her new outfits.

As well as trying to adjust going back to work I am also struggling with when is the right time to move the Pea from my bed to her baby bed. She currently has a little place right between her daddy and I, which is wonderful especially for those 4 am feedings but I know she will eventually have to move to her big girl bed in her room. I can't seem to put her in there just yet. I was going to start trying before I started back to work but the weather turned cold and I just couldn't stand the thought of the possibility of her being cold! I would like some suggestions from other mommas out there on when the best time for the big bed is. If it doesn't work out I guess the Pea will be sleeping with us until she goes off to college!

Going back to work & New Year reflections

Just a warning this is a serious post. My maternity leave will be officially ending on Jan. 6th and I am so nervous about going back to work. I know I have mentioned before about how my point of view has changed since having the Pea but I just can't believe how drastic the change has been. Before I always thought of myself as a sort of a feminist, I have always worked very hard at being independent and doing it all on my own. I have always been a worker and really had never envisioned myself doing much else until now. Since going on my maternity leave in September I have enjoyed playing the role of stay at home momma so much more than I ever thought I would. There is something so nice, cozy and comforting about being at home with your baby, taking care of your house and having a nice dinner ready (on some days) when daddy gets home. I never thought in a million years that type of life would ever agree with me but as I have found out in the past year, life is SO full of surprises. Staying at home work is so much more enjoyable, maybe I am just not working the right kind of job but to be able to watch the Pea grow and change everyday is such a blessing and a miracle- she really is everything. I know so many of my friends have gone through this and they all know about the grief, the guilt and the flat out panic you feel when it is time to go back to work. I am certainly surprised at my change of heart, not that I am throwing away my "this is what a feminist looks like" t-shirt just yet but things are different. I feel more vulnerable than I ever have before but it almost makes me feel stronger. I am so thankful that I have been able to stay at home with the Pea for as long as I did because I am pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to leave her at six weeks. God knows what we can handle and what we can't and I thank him every day for that. So next Wednesday the Pea and I will be entering into a new adventure, one in which I am sure the Pea will fair much better than her momma. It is times like these when I really begin to understand that motherhood is not for the faint of heart and I have even more respect for mothers every where.

Here is a little something I wrote last year in Jan., I had just lost a baby in early December and didn't know that the Pea was already on board! God is so good to me, I was devastated when I lost the baby- I felt like I was too scared to try for another but he comforted me. Thankfully God had better plans for me than I ever could have imagined, he carried me through my despair and on the other side was such joy!

Written Jan. 2009

Today I am feeling very reflective, well not particularly reflective in a shiny sense but inwardly reflective. The past year has been one of flat out living. At times barely hanging on, clinging to my faith, and other times flying so high- so surprised and thankful. Many things have transpired this year that I do not understand. Things that I won't understand until I can give Jesus a big hug, sit down and ask him myself. Maybe at that point in time such things will no longer be an issue..... As for the upcoming year, I have great hope. Things are changing fast-for better and for worse but I choose to remain hopeful. This year I want to take more time to understand the daily struggles and victories of those around me. I pray to be a bright spot for people in my life, to lift them up, to help them feel loved and as hopeful as I do. I pray that this will finally be the year I get to meet my child, whoever that may be and however way God has planned. I pray that everyone sees how truly blessed we all are and find ways we can help others. I pray that this is the year all of "Amber" goes away and I become a vessel and an instrument for God. I pray that everyone becomes less cautious of following their hearts, less cautious in expressing love and less cautious in following God. I am hopeful for the upcoming year- I hope and pray that the year is filled with love, joy and peace.

Although I haven't managed to live up to all of my expectations, I am so thankful and hope to continue to draw closer to God in order to be the person he wants me to be. Last night Daniel and I were talking about how exciting this upcoming year is going to be, so many firsts to share with the Pea! Happy New Year, and as always I hope and pray that this year will be filled with love, joy and peace.